Why is it when you hear about close friends getting a divorce you are shocked? “Not them!” “No way….we were just with them a couple weeks ago!” You would think, especially after getting my own divorce, that hearing about your friends would be no big deal….right? Nope…. I am shocked and its like I am getting divorced all over again. But why?
I think it starts because just like you thought about your own marriage, there was no way I could get a divorce? Well I did get a divorce and it was shocking. Maybe I had high hopes for others and find it shocking they are getting divorced too? I am not sure about this and its making me relive some of those emotions that took a little while to dissipate from memory. I use to laugh with my sister that divorce is pretty much like the 5 stages of death. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and finally Acceptance. I have to be honest, I passed right over bargaining (split everything 50/50) and was excited to get to acceptance as fast as possible. You feel like you can then move on in life. But to be really, really honest you kind of never really fully accept anything. Not that you are holding on to the other person or anything like that….I have no issues with getting divorced. Looking back and realizing we are both happier and healthier individuals. I think nonacceptance is actually an inner failure and failure is hard to overcome.
I don’t like to fail. I know I will fail and I know I will learn from failure, BUT my Type A personality just does not like to fail. Even if that failure is positive….it still sucks. And divorce in reality is failure. Failure to love someone you committed to forever. Failure to keep your family together. Failure to your kids. Failure to your dreams of what you think happiness is suppose to be when married. And most of all Failure to yourself. That is actually number two behind failure to your kids….but it hurts deep into your ego.
As a runner I use a lot of analogies connecting running to life. And Marriage is a Marathon. A really long marathon with hills and bumps and pains and detours and stops. You have to train for months before and you have to keep training for the next marathon ahead. It can be dragging and old and bitter along with pushing you to your limits mentally and physically. Also, as you are running these long miles you start to wonder about other runners. “Why do they look so confident?” “Oh boy…they are not going to make it!” “I wish I had that runner as a training partner.” Being able to live through a marriage (marathon) is impressive to anyone that can pull it off. And good or bad once you finish that marathon there is the feeling of accomplishment and renewed excitement to get ready for the next one, because in marriage there is always another marathon.
This just made me laugh as I just told another friend about this divorce and they stated “No one is meant to be together forever….forever is a really long time!” I think I agree.