The Cowards Handbook, 5 Simple Steps to being a True Patriot

So you want to be a Coward, especially in times of not only a national emergency but an actual World Pandemic, then great! After weeks of watching and learning, I can now provide you 5 simple steps to being a true Patriot.  So let’s review some of these everyday things you need to do to reach your Cowardness Goals.

Step One –  Wearing a mask is stupid.  Actually it’s so dumb you see no reason why to bother protecting yourself from others or yourself.  I personally wear a mask to actually protect me from you but don’t tell the guy that made a snarky comment to me the other day.  You see I don’t know if I am carrying Covid-19 especially since symptoms can take days to detect.  But that does not bother you, because wearing a mask means you are weak and Cowards are strong “you can’t tell me what to do” type personalities.  I mean if a news reporter wants to hear your story, (happened in PA) you just intimidate them by walking at them unprotected.  That will show the fake news media!  You don’t need to care about mankind as much as how many rolls of toilet paper you can hoard.  So do not wear that mask because then our President might not show you any love, and boy does it seem like you need that love badly.

Step Two – You think you are the smartest person in the world when it comes to oh…I don’t know, ANY TOPIC!  I mean Bill Gates only created the desktop computer among a million other things and then poured his time and money into eradicating Polio from 125 countries.  So you know…let’s call him names and undermine him as Un-american…right!  Dr. Fauci….puh….what does he know?  He only has been the director of the NIAID since 1984 under numerous other Presidents.  But don’t tell our current President he is wrong or else!!  You see Cowards know everything and nothing at the same time.  Actually taking the time to read, listen, and contemplate is not the way to go at all!  You need to voice your opinion no matter how wrong you are on extremely complex subjects loudly.  Either yelling or typing all CAPS will get your message across to everyone.

Step Three –  Change is bad.  You do not want to change the way things operate, you want gas and oil, big trucks with terrible gas mileage along with not worrying about climate change, etc.  Things should be built by American workers by hand and should demand pay that can be sometimes crazy for the actual job you are doing.  BUT….do not take my smartphone, flat-screen, social media, or cable tv/internet options because you want it both ways.  You see you need to yell and scream about America becoming a Socialist Country, which is bad, even though the Union you work for guarantees your pay and protection from being fired no matter how bad a job you do.  Also, you don’t need any stinking health care because really you can just go to the ER and they will deal with the costs using tax dollars you already hate paying.  OH…and don’t forget to cash your COVID handout, I mean check!

Step Four – Guns, guns, and guns.  You deserve your guns without any questions, checks, or licenses.  I mean coming from the Midwest I totally understand the sport of hunting and eating your kill.  But NO…you want guns on your backs when going into Target or to a protest rally at a State Capital.  Intimidation is your name and making people extremely uncomfortable let alone anxious is your game.  I mean let’s not point out that about every mass shooting in America has been a white guy with a gun.  Oh…and also we can’t tell you what gun you can and cannot have even though you follow other rules like taking a driver’s license test, wearing a seatbelt and not driving a race car at 100mph to work every day because you will get a ticket or better yet jail.  Other laws, like wearing clothes outside, stealing, or whatever are also acceptable.  But carrying an assault rifle where ever you want to go is by god your right!

Step Five – Just because you have a ton of time on my hands with the current Shelter in Place (stupid State Governors) that you would not ever consider learning something new.  I mean the internet has free Harvard Classes (among a million other things) online for gosh sakes, but you are not going to take the time to educate further.  You have one news channel that tells you everything you need to know and will refuse to read or watch other channels to get an even and equal sense of what the hell is going on in our country.  You see Obama is bad (because he is black and smart and successful and genuine and was President of the United States for 8 years) and Trump tells it like it is….which makes no sense?  But if he doesn’t need to learn or listen to smarter people then himself then why the hell do you need too either?

Ok, I know this is an extremely sarcastic view but actually, it’s kinda not.  We are seeing this kind of human behavior on a daily basis right now in the United States of America.  And what’s worse is whoever screams loudest or does the most stupid act or makes nonsensical statements will get the most publicity.  Our current President has opened up an invisible fault line allowing these personalities and behaviors to rise up out of the ground like some type of monster from Stranger Things! 

I personally try and listen to all sides and will respect other views when having an actual discussion.  There are some incredibly smart people that can be neutral and Americans at the same time helping our country for the greater good.  We are not a Red or Blue country as it is being played out currently.  We need to be a Red AND Blue country that works towards common sense values, respect, and love for all humankind.  Also, Nationalism does not work.  Americans are not the smartest people on Earth…..sorry to break it to you.  We are part of a planet that can all assist each other through pandemics, conflicts, and natural disasters. I’ve always hoped other people believed that too, but all I see now is craziness on my TV and/or phone throughout the day. I am worried that maybe we are actually going down the rabbit hole into something that is going to make this country worse in the long run. 

I can only hope that Reason Wins over Conspiracy.


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