I have a huge issue in my life which is I always want more. It has helped me achieve quite a lot of things including the ability to retire at 38. But even that was not satisfactory enough to ease this curse.
You see I am always thinking ahead. I live in a beautiful home and I want a better home. I have two incredible kids yet I compare them to others wondering if I am doing enough for them. I am fortunate to have money yet it’s never enough. Yes…poor me right?? It’s the goal of finding utopia, yet knowing that utopia might not exist.
Well, this issue falls into my personal life too. I have an incredible relationship yet I wonder what if things were different? Would my life be better elsewhere? Why not be content and enjoy what is in front of me right now? Trying to live in the moment instead of imaging a moment stuck in my head.
I have a very close friend and that friendship ultimately broke up my marriage. That’s ok though because it was not a match made in heaven anyways. What it did though was open my eyes to what I want or think I need in life. That is helpful yet it also creates deeper feelings for someone you cannot or will not be within the end. It is a life lesson that continues to teach you daily but still haunting at the same time.
I got up the courage finally to ask her a bottom-line question. In today’s world of social media, which I am not a fan of or use, I check in on her via her spouse who is a big social poster. Happy faces, healthy kids, cool trips and I wonder, is her life as great as it looks? Is that the life I dream for myself? I asked her “are you as happy as it looks?” She gave me a response that basically stated…yes…she is in a good place.
I know I have a great life. When standing on the outside looking in, people look at me as someone successful, outgoing, adventures, etc. But you see I am finding myself falling into the same patterns from when I was married. I am not enjoying what is in front of me as much as I am imaging the “what if’s”.
Are others like me or am I just that dumb not to open myself to being content? I have a therapist and I still cannot approach this subject in complete openness. I think I am in love with something or someone that in reality would not be what I think it would be in real life….I think.
Is the grass always greener? I hope someday I find the contentment that I think all of us search for in life. Sometimes I just need to look in front of me and see that that grass is green on my side too.